I Return, Not as I Once Was, but Stronger
by So-Sings-Nightingales
Summary: Kili returns home after a long absence. (Set many many many years before the journey to Erebor.)


"Where have you been?"

Fili. Good ol' Fili. So much for sneaking back into the house... I never could get anything past him. Why did I think that this time would be any different?

I slowly turn to face my undoubtedly fuming older brother, every trace of that once charming smile I used to use to get out of trouble gone, left long behind with my former self.

My eyes meet the piercing blue of my brother's. Maybe fuming was an understatement.

"Where. Have. You. Been."

I know that tone- it leaves no room for argument with a hint of a warning behind the words. But how do I explain it? "Away. No place in particular."

"Oh really? You want me to believe that you have been 'no place in particular' for the last six months?"

"Six... six months?" Has it really been that long?

"Or has it been seven? Kili, do you realize what your absence has done to Mother? To Uncle Thorin? To _me_?"

"Fili..."

"Do you?!"

Okay, he is very mad. "You would not understand." Wow, that sounded pitiful.

Something changes in Fili and his eyes soften. "Try me."

"Wha... what?"

"Try me. Explain to me why my baby brother up and left without warning one morning?"

The sincerity in those eyes... he wants to understand. But how can I possibly explain what I do not understand myself? My legs suddenly feel weak and unknown emotions threaten to burst forth without my consent. I cannot hold my brothers gaze. I look to the ground to compose myself, letting out a shuddering breath. Before I know it I am lost in a familiar embrace, one that holds so much love and concern, something which I had not realized that had been missing for so long.

All too soon Fili pulls away, gently taking my face in his rough, calloused hands, forcing our gazes to meet. "Tell me."

I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. "I... I just had to get away. It... it was just all too much. I could not handle it. I felt like an explosive with an all too short fuse line, just waiting to go off anytime and anyplace regardless of who was around. I just had to get out."

Fili is confused, I can see it in his face, but he somehow formulates a response. "But _why_?"

"Because of Father."

Fili looks taken aback, unsure of what to say. I would not know how to respond either if he had been the one to say those words. "But he has been dead for going on ten months now."

"I do not think that I had truly moved on from his death. With taking care of Mother and helping to support the family I did not face what happened, only pushed it aside. It was eating at me, Fili, slowly eating away at my sanity. It distorted my thoughts, everything became a big deal, I took everything personally, and dwelt on every single thing that happened in a day. I had to clear my head, rediscover who I really was I suppose."

"Why did you not come to me? Or even Uncle Thorin? We could have helped."

"Because you both had enough problems of your own. And plus I did not even understand what was happening myself. How could I have gone to you when _I_ did not even know what was wrong, what was bothering and eating at me?"

"But you did not have to go through it alone."

I can feel my eyes fill up with tears, but I will not let them fall. I left, found myself, and have returned stronger... or so I thought. Maybe I have been fooling myself all along. I can sense a change in Fili. He must have realized what he stumble upon.

"Oh, Kili, you know that you are not alone, never have been, right?"

The compassion in those simple words have done it... curse my weakness! Curse these tears!

I am in the familiar embrace again.

"I... I just cannot help it. I just feel... feel so utterly _alone_ sometimes!"

My legs give out as the wretched sobs wrack my body. It feels good to have this emotional release but it is embarrassing at the same time for it shows my weakness. Fili guides us to the ground and I can feel his shoulders shaking too, shedding his own tears.

"I am sorry. I should be stronger than this." I somehow manage to mumble into Fili's shirt.

"Do not apologize. Tears are not a sign of weakness- you are one of the strongest people I know. Your hardheadedness nearly matches Uncles!"

Fili... always knows what to say, always knows how to cheer me up. Sometimes Fili does not need words to get his point across- a look, a simple gesture, a hug. But he is getting his point across loud and clear right now, yes, even through my thick skull.

I pull away this time and for the first time since my arrival home take a good look at my brother. He looks tired, in every sense of the word. But his eyes still have that sparkle, an undeniable love of life and love of family.

Love.

"You have changed younger brother." Fili finally states, breaking the silence that had fallen between us.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I ask, trying to hold back the smile, hold back the joy, which is threatening to bubble forth.

"That is yet to be seen." he replies, trying unsuccessfully to hold back a smile of his own.

And than it happened. For the first time in six (or seven) months, I laugh, a real laugh brought on by pure, true joy.

"It is good to see you in such good spirits again, younger brother."

"It _feels_ good to be in such good spirits again, older brother. I feel so light that I think that I could sing again, make music again, juggle mothers dishes again!"

At that Fili's own laughs join in with mine.

I may have been gone for far too long, but I have learned- learned about the real world, learned about myself, dare I say _found_ myself? I do not regret my actions for it had to be done. But now I have returned, not as I once was, but stronger.

* * *

**Any thoughts?**

**I'm not sure how "in character" this little story is, for I have been away from the wonderful world of FanFiction and _The Hobbit_ for a long time, but I hope that the story line can be appreciated anyway.  
**


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